Okay, now I know I’ve already had a bit of a look at this game already, and I know at least one of you (Jeff) will point out that this game sucks and it’s no point talking about it. However, I have played through this game in its entirety and have discovered that it’s so bad that it’s actually good. Therefore I have to share it with everyone in some way…
This entire entry will be extremely spoilerific because I really HAVE to share with you just how ridiculous this game really is. It’s so bad that the President of Nintendo of America, Reginald “Reggie” Fils-Aimé, stated that this game would NEVER make it to North America… lucky for me, the wacky folks of Nintendo of Europe and Nintendo of Australia decided that “If the American’s don’t want it, we certainly must have it!”… So here it is… read about it, because you’re not going to want to play it.
The game follows Raymond Bryce, an International Rescue worker and apparently a former US Marine (to explain why Ray is such a weapons expert, I guess). During a volcanic eruption, Ray is doing his thing but ends up losing his friend, Steve, who is also a rescue worker. Ray can’t forgive himself for his friends loss since he feels the need to save everyone but ultimately doesn’t have the power to… deep, man… deep.
So anyway, during this part of the game you go through the usual tutorial stuff: Learn how to walk and run and how to jump, how to breathe, because that’s important, and also how to punch boulders and rocks. Yes, folks, punching boulders isn’t just for a steroid abused Chris Redfield. Not only that, I learned that you can also punch and kick barrels and wooden crates as well as mailboxes, trash bins and also cardboard boxes that happen to be laying around too.
Flash forward a year and Ray is a public servant for Blue Ridge City, and for whatever reason he meets an FBI agent who tells him about some military group who has stolen nukes and is threatening the government and all that kinda jazz… sounds pretty familiar doesn’t it. Then for some reason this chick, who happens to be the sister of his friend, Steve, gets kidnapped by this group, and Ray who feels guilty about Steve’s death goes after her and this military group to save her… and that’s pretty much the entire plot right there. Ray feels guilty, chick gets kidnapped, Ray wants to save her but at the same time is told to stop this group from blowing up some random city and do all of this while facing a string of natural disasters…
So anyway, Ray is going to save this chick… AND THEN SUDDENLY AN EARTHQUAKE! Buildings are crumbling, people are FREAKING OUT, and for some reason I start getting into a gunfight with all these military dudes… then after I think I’m close to saving that chick, they escape with her and some other guy and I have to go after them.
Now, I’m in the city which is crumbling around me still, buildings falling over, and there are people who need help. Some of these people happen to call for your help, though only if it’s a plot element, others are people you have to find and save yourself… of course, if there’s no one around and you press the Z button to look for people, Ray will say “There’s no one who needs saving here” in an extremely disappointing tone, as if he wants people to be injured and in need of his help. Great guy, that Ray…
Oh, and also, I did mention the ability to punch and kick open stuff, but I didn’t mention the fact that when you do, you’ll find items! I know, you’re thinking “Well, what’s so different about that? That’s practically in every game.”… Well, yes and no. Here are a couple of examples… You see a mailbox, and you decide to punch it open, it explodes open after a few punches and then you find that it drops a big hunk of meat on the bone, cooked to perfection… Okay, so this seems a bit strange… who put that succulent oversized piece of cooked meat in the mailbox? Ray doesn’t care, because he’ll pick it up from the ground and eat it right then and there to regain his stamina.
Of course, all through this you’re still going after that military group to save that one chick… and for whatever reason that military group has a fuck tonne of guys who happen to be all gunning for you. I don’t know how many guys I’ve killed in this game, but I’ve taken out a small army as well as various kinds of vehicles including a couple of choppers… and something else I’ll get to at the end of this entry… anyway, I’m chasing after these guys and end up going through a pretty awesome car chase scene. Hands down the driving element of this game is its best feature, but is ruined by having to deal with all the disasters along the way… one of the disasters being, no, not a regular tornado, but a FIRE tornado!… yeah, I don’t get it either, but whatever man…
So, first came the earthquake and as a result there’s a tsunami heading towards the city… so naturally Ray and the military dudes decide to have a shoot out on the bridge as the tsunami is heading towards them. This guy has balls man, a tsunami doesn’t even scare him cause he feels he has time to be Rambo…
Anyway, after he kills everyone he decides that now is a good time to leave just as the tsunami is just about to hit. Ray gets in his car and drives away from certain death at full speed. The driving in this part is a bit different though, in previous driving areas you would drive the car in first person mode, but in this instance the camera is on the outside and is facing back at the tsunami with the car on screen. The bridge is falling apart as you escape and you’re struggling to stay ahead of it and onto solid ground. Then he goes into a subway system and ends up having to outrun a rush of water in there… and then ANOTHER TSUNAMI decides to come on down and Ray, as the bad ass he is decides he’ll outrun the tsunami ON FOOT. ON FOOT! *stares at you*… and he fails, lol. Ray gets swept away and the military dudes happen to escape too.
Stuff happens and Ray ends up following the military dudes to some mines near a Volcano, and surprise, surprise, the Volcano decides to erupt. Ray is dodging huge fiery boulders raining down from the sky, tries to save the chick again, fails and the military dudes escape. Ray then has to get the hell out of there and decides to drive out of there while the lava is flowing and the pyroclastic flow that is coming down the mountain is bearing down on him… of course, like before, Ray fails and gets caught in it… and survives. When he wakes up some little girl has saved him and then he decides to get the little girl to safety and they travel through the mountain to safety… oh, and you get to kill a bear.
Ray gets out of there with the little girl, and then he’s off to some other place that just happens to be flooded due to a hurricane that’s bearing down on it. He’s going after that military group cause he has to save that chick and he military group who is too stupid to realise that the only reason all of their guys are dying is because of their hostage… WHICH THEY DON’T EVEN NEED ANY MORE, is still holding her and taunting Ray as he shoots them all down.
Oh yeah, another thing about punching open stuff is that you have to be careful. Sometimes, instead of getting an item from the container, you suddenly get set on fire. There I was punching a trash bin open in a flooded area with some pretty heavy rain coming down, and suddenly I’m on fire, even though I’m knee deep in water and completely drenched. Well whatever, during this flooded level I happen to end up saving that chick, only to have her re-kidnapped again which is another kick in the nuts.
So we’re coming near the end of it, I’m chasing these guys in my car for the last time through a full force hurricane and they get on a ferry to… I have no idea. Anyway, I’m on a ferry now and it’s the last part of the game. I’ve been through an earthquake, a fire tornado, a couple of tsunami as well as two volcanos, then a flood and a hurricane… so now what?
Now we have the final boss fight, of course! For some reason as Ray is talking to the last guy, it reminds me of the final boss fight on the deck of the ship in Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune… but then all of a sudden the bad guy is standing next to something that’s covered…Now I’m thinking this guy is going to come after me on the deck of this ferry with a freaking TANK. But no, that’s not what he had in mind… instead…
I kid you not, this guy was in a poor man’s Metal Gear Rex. It was Rex vs Ray! And it didn’t stop there! After defeating pseudo-Rex, I fought the boss one on one, man to man… in a quick time fight scene that reminded me of a poor man’s version of the knife fight in Resident Evil 4… though most of the fight didn’t feature any knives… oh and then I got to disarm a nuke which was fun and lived happily ever after…. OR DID THEY?
At the end of the game you get to view an alternate ending. All of those Disasters that Ray has faced during that 24 hour period is nothing compared to what’s about to hit the planet…. AN ASTEROID!
AN ASTEROID IS HEADING TOWARDS THE PLANET! ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO PUNCH AND KICK IT INTO A SAFE TRAJECTORY?
Okay so that was a pretty huge entry for a game that doesn’t matter… so if you couldn’t be bothered reading all of that, at least watch this… it pretty much sums it all up.
…Epic, truly epic. I’m so glad I bought this game and played it all the way through, just so I could tell everyone else about it. As I said at the start… it’s so bad that it’s good.
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